Tag: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Flashbacks

Sara RutherfordLeave a comment 
The memories resurface
Bad thoughts flutter through my mind
I feel I’m in the moment
Every noise reminds

Every movement I felt
I can feel over again
And every push I gave to him
Begins to wear me thin

The loud unspoken refusals
Sear into my brain
As I hear every utterance
The dirty words remain

I’ve lost control completely
He’s gotten in my head
I cannot tell if it’s a dream
Til I wake up in bed

I realize that I’m safe now
But it hasn’t yet sunk in
I feel that he can see me
That every stranger’s him

I can’t rest til he’s sorry
Til he admits to me it’s true
But right now I feel so helpless
Unsure of what to do

I want for him to suffer
Like he has done to me
For all his loved ones to know
What only I can see

I hate that he can go on
Like there was no assault
And I’m feeling so shameful
Believing it’s my fault

A piece of me left with him
There’s no way to be whole
Cause he can never give back
My virginity he stole

Written December 2009

Missing Piece

Sara RutherfordLeave a comment 
I shatter the image, the pieces are scattered
Ripped into the smallest of shreds
But I’m feeling empty missing what mattered
And knowing it’s still in my head

Walking quickly, picking up step
Leaving the past behind
Not looking back to even check
I just want it out of my mind

Like an afternoon shadow, it looms and haunts
Beating down on my guilty soul
I try to escape it, but it forever taunts
And I can’t get out of this hole

An abandoned house, empty and cold
Floorboards creaking in the night
And all you can feel is the past you sold
To win temptation’s fight

Lightning flashes and thunder resounds
To mimic the pounding in your head
Your past is winning; you’re losing ground
And there’s nothing that can be said

You attempt to piece the image back together
To shake the guilt from your mind
But it can’t be reversed – not ever
For there’s one piece that you won’t find

He took a piece when he disappeared
And buried it in the deepest of holes
This defines all that you feared – 
You’ll never get the piece he stole

Always wishing to be guiltless, complete
But the loss is there to remind
Of his thoughtless act and ultimate deceit
And the peace you’ll never find

Written October 2008

Reactions to the Brock Turner Case

Sara RutherfordLeave a comment

This is a dual (two-part) poem. This first part outlines my feelings and reactions to the Brock Turner case.

Part I

Too naive to think the worst
She struggles with self-blaming
Fears no one will understand
The guilt and the slut-shaming

But the problem lies with him
And his complete denial
That anything that he did
Will ever go to trial

To rape is a conscious choice
You cant blame it on the booze
Or try to play the victim
When your story hits the news

Actions have consequences
Rape isn't victimless crime
No one cares that your life changed
They just care that you do time

There's no free pass for assault
No exemption or clean slate
No wealth, privilege, or power
Can make up for all that hate

How do you face yourself
Or justify your sins?
Even if you go to jail
Nobody really wins

Her life has changed forever
Her confidence is shattered
Meanwhile you are adamant
That she should just feel flattered

This continuation is a reflection on my own assault in the wake of the Brock Turner ruling. The light sentencing the defendant received, despite the guilty verdict, caused feelings I had long-buried, to reemerge.

Part II

There was no justice for me
No apology, no guilt
I'll never have peace of mind
With this resentment that I've built

But why does he get to walk
When I feel so paralyzed
He kept his wife and children
But if only they realized

The monster that they live with
And all the hurt he caused
A man who keeps advancing
While my future still feels paused

But that's merely a pipe dream
They will never know the truth
Much like I will never have
A chance to live my youth

Written in June 2016