Tag: Poem

You are scared to post your trauma
Detailing it makes it real
But sharing your experience
Is the only way to heal

It's hard to process your assault
With thoughts swirling in your head
And nobody who understands
All the memories you dread

You don't want to be a victim
Or a martyr for the cause
But you’re done being complicit
When it feels like life’s on “pause”

You’re afraid of people’s judgments
And their doubts and misplaced blame
So you’ve been bottling the past
And then living life ashamed

The details are very graphic
And the topic is taboo
People try to understand it
But end up avoiding you

The internet is permanent
And everything can be tracked
So once your stories are out there
There’s no way to take them back

You’ll lose all sense of privacy
With your whole life on display
But you need to share your trauma
So the guilt will go away

Written June 2020

When we are faced with trauma
Our conscious mind shuts down
Decision making ceases
And we are left to drown

To fight or flight, freeze, or fawn
The choice is not our own
Our brain jumps to survival
When faced with the unknown

Some victims may start fighting
May kick or scream or cry
Feel overwhelming anger
Thinking it’s do or die

Others may fidget or shake
And run away and hide
Or they disassociate
Escape on the inside

Others may be paralyzed
Cold, numb, heavy, and pale
Feeling overwhelmed with dread
Like if they fought they’d fail

Others seemingly give in
And willingly appease
Finding hope in compliance
They’d rather try than freeze

There’s no right or wrong response
Or way to be prepared
Having a plan in advance
Won’t matter if you’re scared

Your brain becomes a blank slate
And logic falls away
And all you can focus on
Is surviving the day

People aren’t trauma informed
They think you made a choice
To prolong your suffering
And stifle your own voice

So they give their opinions
“Flag down someone in sight”
“Say no or scream; do something!”
Convinced they know what’s right

Unsolicited advice
On what they would have done 
Invalidating comments
“You really should have run”

Victim shamed by those you trust
They just don’t understand
Constantly remind yourself
That they weren’t dealt your hand

Let them keep their innocence
Bury your truth within
Try to make them comfortable
Like you wish you had been

Written Fall/Winter 2019

It’s a look, a glance
That rubs you the wrong way
It’s nothing and it’s everything
And now you’re not okay

It’s a sentence, a word
A smell that brings you back
A familiar gesture
And your mind’s under attack

It’s your reality
Your jumbled, tangled mess
Not knowing what is real
You endlessly obsess

It’s constant vigilance
And every restless night
Paranoia striking
And now it’s fight or flight

It’s keeping your head down
And staring at your feet
Forever skeptical
Of everyone you meet

It’s self doubt and terror
Then apathy and shame
Disgusted with yourself
And feeling you’re to blame

It’s intense depression
Shock, guilt, and no control
Disorientation
And never feeling whole

It’s unanswered questions
Closure you’ll never find
It’s graphic memories
Replaying in your mind

It’s unfettered worry
Unpredictable days
Feeling like a burden
Existing in a haze

It’s selling yourself short
Preparing for the worst
Losing trust in strangers
And thinking that you’re cursed

It’s hating who you are
And who you have become
Since your diagnosis
You’ve gone completely numb

It’s dwelling on failure
On all the things you hate
Disappointing your friends
By always running late 

It’s hard to verbalize
Or even comprehend
How different you are now
Will this pain ever end?

Written Fall 2019