Dear Survivors: You Did NOT Handle Your Assault Wrong
Category: “Dear Survivors” Series
Dear Survivors: Don’t be Afraid to Speak Your Truth
I spent countless years thinking about how hearing my story may negatively affect those around me, instead of focusing on how telling my story may positively affect me.
There are a number of times in the past where I’ve wanted to speak up about my assaults, but was too ashamed or embarrassed to do so. I was afraid of how others might react. What if friends and family started treating me differently? Or blaming me? Or asking me questions about my traumas?
I was silenced by fear.
I didn’t want to be judged by loved ones, acquaintances, or even strangers. There is an old adage that true friends will stick by you no matter what. I had heard this a million times and I accepted it as truth, but I think I was always too scared to test it out. I was afraid of finding out that no one actually cared enough to stay.
So, I kept things status quo. I bottled up my traumas and my depression and anxiety, tucked away my PTSD, and hid my panic attacks so I didn’t “scare” anyone away. This worked for a while… until it didn’t.
As time went on, if I was noticeably triggered by something, I felt compelled to tell my story, to explain my “over”reaction. It rarely had the desired effect. Oftentimes, it led to an uncomfortable silence and a topic change. It felt like I was never able to talk about my assaults on my own terms. I only spoke up if I was backed into a corner and needed to justify an emotion.
This decision to only speak about my traumas re-actively, however, was a conscious choice. Without much effort at all, I can think of a few friends I lost because hearing about my assault was “too much to handle” and I “had too many problems” or I was “too negative” or a “downer”. It wasn’t worth speaking my truth and risking losing more friends. At the time, it hurt like hell, but looking back, I wouldn’t go about things any differently.
Whether I like it or not, my trauma is a part of me. It in no way defines me, but it has influenced various aspects of my life in ways that I can’t ignore. And I deserve friends who willingly accept every mangled, broken, little piece of me.
Dear Survivors: Your Trauma Didn’t “Make You Stronger”
People often try to comfort me by saying “think of it this way – your trauma made you stronger” or “look at how strong you are now”. I understand the sentiment of trying to help me “see the good” in a terrible situation, but it is extremely invalidating. It also takes the power away from the victim/survivor.
I refuse to credit the men who tried to break me with making me “stronger”. Those contradict each other. I pulled myself out of that hole and was forced to be strong, in order to survive.
Dear Survivors: This Happened TO You
When first wading through the aftermath of trauma it can be hard to remember that something traumatic and life-altering happened to you. Again it happened TO you. You did not cause your assault. This is not because of something you said or did. Sometimes that thought can send me spiraling a little – if it wasn’t anything I said or did, how will I be able to stop it in the future?
Dear Survivors: Your Trauma Does Not Define You
My trauma may be a part of me, but it isn’t all of me. It is an undeniable fact that my assaults changed the trajectory of my life. I watched myself morph from a well-adjusted, reasonably happy teen into a self-conscious, terrified, hesitant, young adult.
Sometimes I mourn who I used to be and who I could have become. And I think that’s okay to do from time to time. But you can’t look at your past in a bubble and wonder what might have been without also looking at who you are now. You are still you. It may not be the “you” you planned for yourself when you imagined your future, but it’s still you. Nobody can take your place in this world. And think of how much you’ve waded through to get to this point.
Your trauma may be a part of you and a part of your story and your past, but it is not all that you are. You are not just a “victim” or a “survivor”. You are an individual with thoughts, ideas, dreams, and emotions, who survived something tragic. It is up to you whether you want this battle to be a part of your identity or simply a part of your story.
Dear Survivors
I am starting a series called “Dear Survivors” that will be posted on Instagram @ TalkingThroughTrauma and cross-posted here.
These little “notes” are a compilation of the things I wish had been said to me when I experienced my first trauma. The intent is to help survivors of trauma and sexual assault feel less alone, less ashamed, and less confused.
Talking Through Trauma 