Sara Rutherford

It’s a look, a glance That rubs you the wrong way It’s nothing and it’s everything And now you’re not okay It’s a sentence, a word A smell that brings you back A familiar gesture And your mind’s under attack It’s your reality Your jumbled, tangled mess Not knowing what is real You endlessly obsess It’s constant vigilance And every restless night Paranoia striking And now it’s fight or flight It’s keeping your head down And staring at your feet Forever skeptical Of everyone you meet It’s self doubt and terror Then apathy and shame Disgusted with yourself And feeling you’re to blame It’s intense depression Shock, guilt, and no control Disorientation And never feeling whole It’s unanswered questions Closure you’ll never find It’s graphic memories Replaying in your mind It’s unfettered worry Unpredictable days Feeling like a burden Existing in a haze It’s selling yourself short Preparing for the worst Losing trust in strangers And thinking that you’re cursed It’s hating who you are And who you have become Since your diagnosis You’ve gone completely numb It’s dwelling on failure On all the things you hate Disappointing your friends By always running late It’s hard to verbalize Or even comprehend How different you are now Will this pain ever end?

I am cautiously starting this blog in hopes that writing about my experiences and past traumas will help me to heal. This methodology has worked for me in the past, but this time I feel extremely hesitant. The last time I wrote about my emotions, anxieties, and fears, I was wading through a medical trauma. I remained very aware throughout the entirety of my illness that nobody blamed me for what was happening. Friends, family, and even strangers were nothing but sympathetic and supportive. Because of this, I felt comfortable being vulnerable and opening up.

This time, the topic I need to work through isn’t as cut and dry. It isn’t an experience that many people openly discuss or even admit they can relate to — sexual assault. It can be a hard-to-read topic that is often thought of as taboo. Victims of sexual assault rarely come forward for fear of being met with clarifying, often accusatory, questions that imply they were somehow to blame for their assaults. This is largely why I haven’t written about these experiences before.

In this #metoo era, though, I am hopeful that I can write about my traumas and the effects they have had on my emotional well-being and my psyche without judgement.

Warning: this blog will likely be graphic and triggering at times, so proceed with caution. It will focus heavily on PTSD and, where appropriate, the details of the assaults that caused the disorder.

Author: Sara Rutherford

What is PTSD?

Healing through Writing